Am I Willing?

Sometimes my life feels like a roller coaster.  I’m sailing along and all is well, suddenly it hits—a huge drop and my stomach is up in my throat and I’m all up in my head.  The blessing today is that I get to feel those emotions and not be blotting them out with chemicals.  The challenge is making the highs not too high and the lows not too low.  So basically I am talking about balance.  A concept often discussed, but rarely achieved by me.

During the day if I am on that steep downhill when anger, frustration, tension and stress are building by the moment, it’s hard not to binge on an emotional tirade.  I understand intellectually that this is not the best course of action to take, but darn that momentum for taking me along for the ride.  Even when reaching out to trusted others during this time can yield little results if I am not open to taking suggestion.  Sometimes when I am in this state and I reach out to a friend and they respond, ‘have you prayed about it?’ I literally want to reach through the phone and slap them upside the head (with Christian love of course).

But therein lays the key.  When I have enough sense to reach out to another, am I also willing to listen to their suggestion?  Or am I doing so to get them to stamp (justify) my inappropriate behavior to continue on my rant?  This is why it is so important to have people close to you (which you have to allow to happen through time and trust) who know you well enough to call you out on your stuff.  And in turn, you trust them enough to know that what they are saying is probably true, whether you are willing to admit that during the conversation or not.

Emotional binges are dangerous for me.  They leave me feeling spent and regretful.  They also on occasion leave a wake of trouble that I need to clean up with amends to others.  I do not like having to humble myself to make up for transgressions.  The best way to do that is to avoid creating them in the first place, which means I need to see the signs early on, and trust enough to listen to those who have been there with me before and can guide me back onto my path.  And sometimes that just might be to focus on not creating any additional damage while in a heightened state of fear (which is usually where the anger, frustration and stress stem from).

Today I will remember to trust another when an emotional binge threatens my course.
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