Recently I have begun work on relationships in my life: romantic, work, friendships and the like. I knew going into the process that it would be tough to look at, but that it would be rewarding in the end. Today was one of those eye-opening days as I began to see my pattern of behavior, and let me tell you, it isn’t pretty.
I will first acknowledge that at least in the recent past I have gone into new relationships (especially one particular romantic one) with eyes wide open. Knowing that it would be important to gently ease into it for numerous reasons, I began to do just that. But once there was a sign that things could potentially turn into something long-term (and I’m sure in my mind well before the external signs were there) I ceased to look at things objectively free of expectation, and threw myself into becoming whatever I thought he wanted me to be just so I could make it work. Sacrificing who I was, being dishonest about what I wanted and felt, and avoiding the truth; all to feel a sense of worth from another accepting me for who I am.
I’ve always proclaimed to be a direct, straight-forward person, but the truth is, I’m afraid of confrontation, and this leads to all sorts of behaviors that I don’t much like. One such thing which now annoys the hell out of me when I hear it is putting a statement in the form of a question. Knowing the answer that I want, I ask what appears to be a question when reality it is me stating my wishes. All of this just to fool myself into thinking I have given the other person an option. Being too afraid to truly ask the question and know that I have a right to agree or disagree with the response. Ugh, that would annoy the hell out of me if someone did that to me.
So today I sit with some new awareness of behavior that I find unacceptable. I have two options as I see it: continue to pretend that it doesn’t exist (which won’t last long) or take action to become even more aware of my options to profess what I believe without trying to let what other’s think of it to influence my opinion… much easier said than done, but then again, its progress, not perfection. Thank God!!
Today I will be honest with myself and others about the way that I feel.