I feel very blessed that I have people in my life that love me enough to help me see my truth. I am even more grateful that I have the trust in them to tell them honestly what is going on. It never ceases to amaze me how easy it is for me to help others to see where they are stuck, yet when I am experiencing the same hang-up, I am completely blind to it.
Recently I have been doing some step work on relationships. Not a task for the faint of heart my friends. It is never a comfortable process for me to peel back the layers of ego and BS that I have built up since the last ‘housecleaning’ and get down to the meat and potatoes of what it going on inside. How easy it is for me to get wrapped up in my character defects. They don’t come all at once, but rather sneak up on me, a little white lie here, a bigger fib over there ‘to protect someone’s feelings’, and before you know it, dishonesty abounds in multiple aspects of my life. But do I see it? Not so much. Thanks to justification and rationalization (a deadly combo) I don’t even realize that I am doing.
Then there’s my favorite of all defects, Pride. I had a chuckle with my sponsor when we went over part of my list and the common thread was so obvious-I need to learn to not live by what other’s think of me. It was right there in black and white for me to see, but until I said my business out loud to him, it remained a mystery. Pride is something that I realize I need to be diligent about all the time!! It just sits back and waits for a mere crack of an opening and then…it pounces at the opportunity to fill my head with lies.
Lastly was the realization of just how much fear I live in. Fear of success, fear of failure. I have learned over the years that the antidote for fear is Faith. It sounds easy enough, but putting it into practice…consistently, remains a challenge to this day for me. Have I made progress? Certainly. But there is plenty of room for improvement. And in a perverse way, it’s rather comforting. Knowing how far I have come and that there is much more room to grow.
Today I will be more aware of my defects and the subtle lure of their song.