Sometimes when I am in self-reflection I can be really hard on myself. It seems that I oscillate from being a Saint without a flaw to the biggest heathen ever to walk the face of the earth. I notice that the extremes of this pendulum swing occur mostly when I am not living in the present: aware of my surroundings, but more importantly, aware of my insides.
A few months ago I was almost completely disconnected. Setting God aside and taking the reins was the order of the day and it nearly got me a dose of incomprehensible demoralization, well, it kind of did, without the physical manifestation. But you can bet that the emotional, spiritual and mental gas tanks were running on fumes. It was self-will run riot in its truest form. I was very fortunate to have reached out for the tools of recovery and utilized them, recognizing how dangerously close I was to throwing away not only 7 years of sobriety, but so much more than just a time check. All to satisfy a physical urge to find love and acceptance through meaningless sex.
Since then I have really put in the work. Being diligent about meeting attendance, taking time to be aware of how I am feeling and what actions manifest out of habit in response to those feelings and taking time each day to ‘plug in’. I have opened up more and not been afraid to talk to my sponsor, not just about surface BS, but the ugly inside stuff that I managed to seal off for quite a while trying to put a happy face on my life when inside I was slowing decaying for lack of attention. During this period it was easy for me to grab the virtual 2×4 and beat myself up pretty hard. It’s a tendency of mine, to not look at the murkiness, but when I do, the gloves are off and it gets pretty nasty.
But today is a new day, and I came to the realization that I am doing well. I am accepting my joy without sabotaging it; I am being grateful for my blessings and still remaining relatively humble (relative being the key word here); I am being aware of my defects of character and for the most part, gently correcting behavior I do not want to express. What a refreshing thing to internalize…I’m doing ok today, and there isn’t another shoe to drop, task to accomplish to feel loved or emotion that I need to run away from in fear.
Today I will enjoy being present.