While watching a movie today it occurred to me that my character defect of interrupting people hasn’t improved much lately. The fear of not appearing intelligent or ‘in the know’ drives me to answer people before they have reached the last three words before the punctuation mark of their point.
What am I so afraid of? That awkward pause that becomes a story to tell years down the line only happens when one allows themselves to be vulnerable, let’s go of having to have all the answers…appears human. Why am I so afraid of showing my humanness? What lies just beneath the surface that I think I can’t handle when it becomes exposed and demands my attention and resolution? Perhaps it’s the same old story of letting go of that which is familiar for mistakenly thinking it’s comfortable.
It all boils down to trust; trusting God, knowing that I am in His protection and care. I say it every morning in my daily prayer and meditation time. I even feel it most mornings during that quite communion with my Maker. Yet it hasn’t woven its way into the fabric of my being, deep in my soul where the doubt and fear still reside. I can only surmise that it means the loneliness, isolation and old tapes run deeper than I imagined, requiring patience, diligence and self-love. I have hope, and most times have faith. I’ve often heard that faith isn’t the absence of challenge or fear, but walking through it despite the uncertainty. And that is exactly what I will choose to do.
Every experience thus far on my journey has proven that the only thing to fear is fear itself. Each time I have been faced with uncertainty and fear has come calling, I have found faith and God has walked me through to the other side with an outcome beyond my wildest dreams. Perhaps I am just being a little over-dramatic. I have found myself full of emotion the last few days. And today I don’t have to run from feelings, but enjoy the range of expression and know that it is a sign that I am truly alive. And for that, today, I am grateful.
So if I interrupt you, please don’t mistake it for my lack of interest in what you are saying or valuing your opinion; it’s just me being scared and lacking self-esteem.