Fake it ‘til you make it, a mantra I learned early on in my sobriety. It has served me well as I was discovering a God of my understanding, and still am. But I’ve learned that this can be applied to all areas of my life where I am struggling to feel like I stack up, that I’m enough just the way I am, ever-expanding, ever-increasing.
Insecurity is a funny thing, just when you think you have it licked, some event or experience will spark a memory that takes you back to that place of lack. Often I try to compensate for feeling inadequate by falling back into behaviors that I have worked hard to overcome. Having to be the center of attention and carrying jokes too far fall into this category, just to name a few. Words can be hurtful, and I know that with my intellect I can be very creative with my viciousness, not something to be especially proud of. But when that feeling of inadequacy rears its ugly head, that’s the first place I go, that place of familiarity. Even when I realize that it is harmful to the object of my ire, it is difficult to cease, if I feel like it is distracting me enough from the way I feel. It’s very embarrassing to admit.
My mind runs non-stop, and any tools I can find to help calm the mostly negative nellies that swarm at a moment’s notice are a blessing. More often than not I am racing to get from where I am to where I think I should be without realizing that the present is the safest, most reassuring spot to relax, breathe deep and enjoy. I’m always thinking that I’m going to miss out on something if I’m not moving at the speed of light. Those moments when my mind just takes a break (usually after physical exhaustion from a challenging hike or hot yoga class) are typically the ones where I have the most peace, the most acceptance, and feel the most human. The key is trying to find those moments of bliss without having to be physically manufactured, so I keep trying.