And the Walls…Come Crumblin Down

“Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learn.” Marianne Williamson is one of my favorite people. She speaks directly to my soul and seems to strike a chord deep inside me when I read any of her works or listen to her speak. What a wonderful concept, that we are all born with love. For those of you who regularly follow my blog, you’ll recall that a few weeks ago I spoke about getting back the sweet, loving, trusting boy I once was. Every day I feel like I shed a little bit of the fear that I learned and used to build up the walls around my heart.

Recently I had the joy of spending a few days with a young in spirit (and in age) person, able to show them around a town they had never been. All too often I would question why he enjoyed spending time with me rather than just enjoying the time with him. Isn’t that the truth all too often? Being focused on what others will think of my actions, rather than focusing on how I feel about them. I have been getting messages left and right lately to follow my heart, if it feels good, do more of what makes me feel good. Don’t question it; of course with the caveat that it’s not illegal or detrimental to one’s overall health long-term, just enjoy it. So that’s what I am going to do.

I refuse to give in to the fear that I once learned. For too long I would allow the fear to prevent me from sharing openly and honestly with others. Keeping secrets was an art form that I learned as a pre-teen and mastered by the time I went to college. After living nearly three decades of such a lifestyle I am just now realizing how deeply engrained this mode of responding to life actually is. My first instinct is to be guarded, for fear of reprisal or judgment by others. Today I am learning to identify that false set of beliefs and replace them with thoughts of self-love, tenderness, and identifying with what feels right. After nearly eight years of being chemically free, I can once again begin to trust my instinct, and enjoy allowing others to see who and what I really am. I do not have to get my validation externally, and least not for today.

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One Response to And the Walls…Come Crumblin Down

  1. Debe Knaack says:

    I am so pleased to read that you are finding the loving beauty in YOU, that anyone who took the time COULD see.
    I can relate to the “hiding dilemma” that you describe. That also is addict behavior.
    You are a salesman and are conditioned accordingly. You have to react to other people and their apparent state of mind, opinion, attitude, etc. The way you present yourself (appearance, attire, attitude, demeanor etc.) can in itself make or break a sale. Except for some “personal time” you’re “ON” 24/7.
    I have always found that taking an attitude apart (take it out & look at it), helps me stop the tapes that tell me “Danger Danger!”
    I was raised in an “Eastern Upper Middle Class attitude” environment, so I heard a lot of “What would ???? think?” “Your behavior is a direct reflection on (whatever would provide the best manipulation).” So in your extreme effort to “be your best” did you find it necessary TO HIDE that loving caring little boy that just wanted to love & be loved? Probley!!
    Please don’t let mean people hurt that little boy, because I’m very protective of things I love and would very likely (much to my mother’s dismay) remove any precept of my being “a lady”!!

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