So often I want someone to help me with my pain and suffering, yet I am afraid to allow anyone to see that I am struggling. It’s ironic, I want people to be mind-readers and know when I am in pain because I have yet to learn how to express my feelings in a way that allows others to help me. It puts those that I love and am closest to in a very precarious position.
I have begun to express how I feel, to one person, and allow them to see exactly how I am feeling at any particular time. I don’t know why it has happened with my friend, but it just has evolved that way. I believe it’s because he is so willing to allow me to see how he feels. But the ironic part of it is he’s a very quiet person when around others. Maybe that was the attraction initially. He’s quiet, and I love to talk, so it is a friendship built for each other.
After spending some time with ‘L’, he started to give me shit right back when I would pick on him. Not the onslaught of one-liners which is my style, but biding his time and waiting for just the right opportunity, then WHAM! he hits me with it. This has taught me how to laugh at myself, and to see that being exactly who I am is ok around him. His friendship allows me to be who I am: bumps, bruises and blemishes just as they are.
So now that I have one person that I can allow to see the real me, or better yet, that I can allow myself to be me around, the key is to expand that to others. I have slowly allowed my sponsor to see who I really am, but only in bits and pieces. I still look for approval from him and want him to like me. I am making progress in this regard, and genuinely feel like he is becoming a part of my family. But for some reason, I still reserve just a little bit from him. Mostly the really ugly parts of me.
The most important person that I need to be honest and true with is myself. As long as I am not lying to myself and genuinely seeking out my motives in situations, then I can hold my head high and not be afraid of what others think of me. And this truly is the ultimate in my growth and progress to becoming the man that God wants me to be; and how I can be of the most use in this world, expressing my unique gifts for the betterment of all who I come in contact with.
Just for today I will not be afraid to be me and allow my unique gifts to be shared with the world.