But I Want It Now

“Expectations are resentments that have yet to bear fruit”
–anon

There is a great challenge for people like me to believe in visualization to create my reality and not get caught up in expectation. I’ve had to learn that it’s the feeling that I want to be clear on, not the method with which it comes about.

Yep, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’m not the most patient person, and I want what I want when I want it. (Insert a chuckle from the Almighty here). So imagine my surprise today when things didn’t turn out exactly the way that I pictured it.

I had the whole thing planned out, right down to the humor I would instill, the tension of the buildup, the elation from the other person. And THUD! It fell flat. No hip, hip, hurray! No definitive answer. Just a melancholy conversation and the need to allow the process to work.

But isn’t that exactly what life is all about? Adjusting myself to what is and not expecting the world to adapt to my perspective, wishes, and desires? Sounds pretty simple, doesn’t it? But for a complex human being like me the reality of the situation is much more involved than the concept.

So I wait. And I pray. And I find serenity in the fact that God has this one under His control. I don’t need to DO anything; I just need to be. I need to allow the flow of the Universe to make its way through all parties involved and rest assured that all with turn out exactly the way it is supposed to be.

Time and again throughout my life I have been shown that the limited amount of information my finite mind can grasp is no match for what the Infinite has in store for me. A future that is more well-suited to me than even I could conjure up. And truth be told, I don’t know what’s best for me. My best thinking had me drowning in addiction, feeling hopeless and helpless with no way out.

Today I can stand up tall (even if wobbly at times) and not be afraid to share my authentic self with anyone who wishes to see. Sure, I doubt at times. Absolutely, I question along the way. And you betcha, I even rebel on occasion. But all in all, I know that my path is one that is fitted to me like a surfer’s body suit. With just enough give to allow for any divergences I can muster.

Just for today I will sit quietly and listen for that still small voice inside of me which I choose to call God.

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One Response to But I Want It Now

  1. Debe says:

    As addicts, we were literally “out of control” on a number of occasions. What the world views as “control freaks” is just our way of “hitting it with our best shot”! Avoiding the “I should have seen that one coming!!” thought is going to cause flash backs to the “woulda, coulda, shoulda” of yester-year, along with the pain we created, the pain we absorbed and the pain of “getting straight”!
    That “still small voice” is seeing all the pain of the past as the thing that must be corrected. We’ve already corrected the majority of it. Now you have to show that “still small voice” the reason there is no need to fear!!
    Patience is learned. I give my mind something to do. I sing songs in my head, I think about my critters, I plan a project for church, I redecorate my house, or just space out. Anything to keep my mind busy.

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