A Brush Stroke

“There’s only one effectively redemptive sacrifice, the sacrifice of self-will to make room for the knowledge of God.”
—Aldous Huxley

My partner Al has been visiting his mom in Washington this weekend and it has given me some time to reflect on how my life is blessed today. Not so much because I have what I wanted, but rather I received what I have needed some times in spite of myself.

Before Al and I got together, I used to tell myself how much I loved living the life of a bachelor. I had no one to answer to, I could come and go as I pleased, pretty much do whatever my little heart contented. But during that time, I also was very promiscuous, with the hope that some random hook-up might end up being ‘the one’.

Very foolish thinking indeed.

So basically for my bachelor period I was lying to myself and others about how much I enjoyed being ‘a free man’, when the truth was I really wanted someone to come home to at night and spend time sharing space, place, and energy.

But also, anyone who knows me and how selfish I can be, giving up my privacy, my solitude, and sharing a space with another person were quite an adjustment. Not because of who Al was, but because I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. I wanted the sharing of domicile, but didn’t want to be considerate of someone else’s needs. I wanted someone to bounce things off of at a moment’s notice, but didn’t want to be ‘bothered’ by listening to someone else’s ills for the day.

Yep, selfish and self-centered to the extreme.

So imagine my surprise that upon reflection I really didn’t get what I wanted, but rather got what I needed. I had sent out into the Universe how I wanted to feel, and got back something that looked very different from what I pictured, but exactly what my heart and soul longed.

It never really catches me surprise anymore when I have these realizations. It’s more of a ‘huh, so that’s what that is all about.’ More of a contented acceptance, and a reinforcement of my needing to turn my will and my life over to the CARE of God as I understand Him.

So the next time I think I know what’s best for me, I will try and remember that I can identify with how I want to feel, and allow God to create the picture that will satisfy that desire. I don’t have to be painter, just the canvas on which God can spread his magic through the art of a brush.

Just for today I will rely on God to lay out the path before me.

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